Cat & Kitten Health
CareKittens Evaluation - Crazy Kitten Syndrome
Are the symptoms of Crazy Kitten Syndrome (CKS) happening in your home? Read on to find out.
Tom Schreck

Editor's Note: Writer Tom Schreck, a novice in parenting kittens, shares this humorous plight with other kitten owners living with CKS kittens. He enlists the help of fictional veterinarian Claude Mebalz, DVM.

As I cleaned two pounds of clogged cat hair from my computer mouse recently, the phone rang. Maureen, my wife's teacher-friend, was calling and was clearly distraught. With a quivering voice, she spoke: "Our new kittens ... something just isn't right with them. ... They're, uh, unstable, unpredictable. ..."

Her voice broke and trailed off, but she gathered herself and continued: "The vet says he's seen it a million times and he's sorry, but there's nothing he can do. It's serious, and it may take a long time for them to get over it. They have something called CKS."

Being somewhat of a freshman in the college of cat people, I had never heard of this disease and though Maureen was now racked in sobs, I anxiously asked: "CKS? What's CKS?"

Maureen sniffed back her tears and bravely said: "Our pets have Crazy Kitten Syndrome and there's no cure." Tragic indeed.

The more Maureen talked, the more frightened I became. My wife Sue and I had just adopted Lucky, our new kitten. Lucky was exhibiting some telltale CKS symptoms. I contacted world-renowned veterinarian and CKS expert Dr. Claude Mebalz to help me understand what our dear Lucky was going through.

As a service to CAT FANCY readers, let me share what I've learned from Dr. Mebalz. No cure exists for CKS yet but through knowledge comes understanding and through understanding there is always a glimmer of hope.

Does your kitten suffer from CKS? Look for these distinguishing symptoms in your kitten now.

Symptom No. 1: Violent Reactions to Inanimate Objects
One recent evening, our home was filled with terror and violence. Without warning, Lucky bounded into the living room, sliding across the hardwood floor until he braked in front of a pizza box.

Slowly, he rose, then became still, as he waited for the pizza box's next move. Before the box could muster a defense, Lucky sprang upon it. Rolling, tossing, slashing and flailing, Lucky led an all-out assault on the innocent box.
It was horrifying to witness. I can only imagine the psychological trauma that pizza box will relive for the rest of its life. "There's no telling the violence and havoc a CKS-stricken kitten can wreak. It goes beyond evil to intense zaniness, and it's not pretty for anyone involved," said Dr. Mebalz from his office at the Center for Kitten Ridiculousness in Harebol, Iowa.
"There's no calculating the loss of pizza boxes, plastic bags and bottle caps every year. It's staggering. After such trauma, these objects are almost never productive again, and they wind up being discarded from society like ... well ... like inanimate objects," he said.

Symptom No. 2: Annoying Adult Cats (Part A)

Most multicat households find a sense of balance as the years go by until CKS strikes and upsets the harmony. In my CKS-ravaged household, Wheezy and Elvis, our two adult cats, became targets of Lucky's wrath.
Wheezy, our 7-year-old rotund cat, happily enjoyed his sedentary lifestyle until Lucky arrived. Now, he has trouble walking across the living room without Lucky paratrooping off the dining room table onto his back. Lucky appears to be under the irrational belief that Wheezy is either an electric bull, like the one in the movie Urban Cowboy, or a 1000cc Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Perceptions aside, Lucky hurls himself atop Wheezy nearly 100 times a day because he was born to ride or he is seeking free transportation to his food dish. I haven't figured this one out yet.

This type of behavior obviously creates some problems. Wheezy is a self-actualized cat who is quite secure in his identity. He does not believe he is, nor does he wish to be, Lucky's electric bull or a motorcycle. He enjoys his life as a cat. This disparity in perception has been cause of great conflict in our happy home.

Lucky's feelings seem hurt when Wheezy refuses to play the role of public transportation. Wheezy must remember what it was like to go through CKS because he seldom stays angry for long. Instead, he simply struts away like a hibernating bear that just had his winter nap shortened by two months. Wheezy is displaying maturity, Dr. Mebalz said.

"Older cats will often demonstrate sympathy for the CKS kitten and not retaliate. We are not sure if this is because of maturity or simply the sedating effect of Wheezy eating 6,000 calories a day and sleeping in excess of 23 hours per day," he said.

Symptom No. 3: Annoying Adult Cats (Part B)

Elvis, our 8-year-old cat, let Lucky know from the start he would not tolerate his ride-upons or having his tail used as a speed bag in a boxercise program. Taking on the role of mentor, Elvis taught Lucky two important lessons within the first half-hour of introductions:

1. Lucky, repeat after me, Elvis' tail is not a toy.2. Always keep your left paw slightly higher to successfully block Elvis' powerful right hook.
Despite some minor negative feedback from annoyed older cats, Lucky and other CKS kittens seem to enjoy themselves most of the time.
This area has been the center of Dr. Mebalz's research in the past decade.

"We've hooked up brain electrodes to measure the quantity of pleasure waves in CKS kittens while they are actively annoying larger, older cats. All our data points to the same conclusion they love it! More than anything else," he said.

Symptom No. 4: CKS Wind Sprints

Without cause, CKS kittens gleefully break into full-fledged wind sprints throughout the day. Several theories exist to explain this unusual phenomenon. But only one offers a long-range explanation

"Cat sport psychologists believe kittens think if they work very hard they may qualify for the Cat Olympics to be held in India (Katmandu). These wind sprints, in the mind of the CKS kitten, are preparation for those games. Their rationalization is flawed, however, because there is no freakin' cat olympics. These little animals are really, really wacky," Dr. Melbalz said.

Symptom No. 5: Hallucinations

Lucky often has trouble with reality. Unfortunately for me, I am often the source of his hallucinations.

For some reason he views my ears as malformed potato chips that beckon to him to sneak up from behind while I'm deeply entranced in my 14th hour of cable television. Suddenly, I am roused by the sensation of mini-daggers piercing my ears. The only positive consequence is I can now hang my wife's earrings from various parts of my ears, displaying a 1980s retro punk look I'm sure will come back into vogue.

Mornings seem to be the peak times for Lucky's hallucinations. As I lie in bed trying to steal an extra 15 minutes of snooze time, dreaming of how much I love my job (hey, my boss reads CAT FANCY), Lucky takes flight and lands on my bed.

Through his aerial recognizance, he spies my leg and foot moving under my beloved comforter. His hallucinations, however, cause him to view my limbs as a terrible electric eel with an ugly head with five stubby tentacles. Determined to "save" me, Lucky heroically attempts to rid his world of this beast by repeatedly stabbing it in the head with his jagged claws until it relents, gets up and takes a shower.

Lucky displays other disturbing mental symptoms. His moods change as often as Cher changes costumes during a single performance. One minute, he joyfully prances on top of our buffet and playfully destroys irreplaceable family heirlooms. Then he will lovingly curl up on my chest to take a nap. Now what's up with that?

But here's the worst part. Lucky refuses to talk to us about his symptoms. I suspect he is sharing his plight with other disenfranchised CKS sufferers over the Internet on our computer when we're not at home. Who knows what they are scheming.

Perhaps I worry too much as a parent, not all together uncommon for those of us with CKS kittens. Dr. Mebalz, however, does console me with his belief that there is hope for the future.

"CKS is so prevalent we are not sure what exactly to do. Our early findings show symptoms seem to lessen after about 10 to 12 months for many CKS kittens," he said. "Of course, there are always relapses and flare-ups. In the meantime I recommend all family members get involved with support groups like KA Kittens Anonymous. Remember, the first step is always admit you are powerless."

Yes, so true. Powerless over a crazed and spastic kitten, I readily admit. For now, I'll learn to adapt and live with CKS. Time is on my side ... and wearing earmuffs on the couch isn't so bad.

Adapted from http://www.catchannel.com

Marcus's owner,
Don